Flipping Frustration: Armour of God Ft. David and Goliath

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This is the start of your weekly dosage of browser games to get frustrated by, brought to you by yours truly, Cacolantern, BaconCape’s resident never-was game critic. So yeah, my opinion matters y’all!

Armour of God

Did you know that in the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth? Did you also know that in the book Ephesians he sent out some faceless freakazoid on a chariot  towed by abysmally animated horses to collect his armour? Well if you’re unfamiliar with that, playing Armour of God is likely to rejig your memory. In this fairly rudimentary “pick up the stuff and avoid the obstacles” game, you play as, well, whatever this is supposed to be.

Erm gerna gert de ermerrr of GEERRDDD

As you trundle along the Holy Land’s only tarmacked road , your goal is to collect as many pieces of armour as you can in the time limit, including all of those belonging in God’s spare armour sets, who’d have thought it would be possible to find three Helmets of Salvation, not to mention 5 Shields of Faith, a blue cock, and even Noah’s Ark! All on this one road, what a day!

Not even kidding.

Noah’s a sucker for a cameo.

After level one things start getting tricky, and by tricky I mean there are a few logs and boulders to avoid. It’s interesting to note that by pressing the right arrow key you can accelerate to turbo trotting, but it’s pretty much suicide since you can’t slow down fast enough to avoid the obstacles and you’ll lose one of your precious chariot wheels in the process.

Best Road.

After three levels it’s all over and you can feel proud of yourself for sitting through such an ugly game, I can’t emphasise this game’s ugliness enough, the background characters are beyond random and poorly rendered, the player character looks like nothing found on this planet and the way the horses move? Well see for yourself, looks like the animation from the pilot episode of South Park, and that’s going easy on it. Not recommended.

David and Goliath

Oh my god.

I swear someone was taking the Mick here, David and Goliath manages to be even worse than Armour of God, let’s get the obvious things out of the way first. Goliath looks like he’s suddenly found an interest in cross dressing and, good grief is he hideous, I know Goliath wasn’t supposed to be handsome but look at that, it’s like a joke! David actually looks relatively normal and oh my days the Sun is wearing shades and smiling, this does not make me any more amused. Honest.

Barring the fact that it was drawn by the same muppets that drew Armour of God, this game is HARD. So hard infact that you can’t even win, no literally, you can’t, you can throw as many rocks as you like at Goliath, nothing seems to register as a hit. I’ve tried the head, the feet, the knees, even a shot at his balls. Anyway, I can’t seem to beat it, I’m leaning more toward the idea that it’s just a broken piece of shit than a lack of skill on my part.

Here’s my first challenge for you guys… I want anyone who reads this to play David vs. Goliath and if they beat it, send me a screenshot in the comments and tell me how, if this happens I’m going to feel like a complete tit.

Cacolantern

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Cacolantern

BaconCape's resident never-was gaming critic, I do reviews of shit games because anything else is beyond my level of intelligence and comprehension. I take no credit for the title of my article series. Visit cacolantern.tumblr.com for my older stuff, some articles are NSFW, but that's tumblr for you man, you can write whatever. ;)

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